Don't play coy, you know what you've done to me
Don’t play coy, you know what you’ve done to me

Image: Blitz Pictures/REX/Shutterstock

Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas have been engaged for roughly 12 hours and suffice it to say I am not okay.

When the perplexing celebrity power couple started dating – at least publicly – I was intrigued but not opposed. They’re enjoying themselves, let them live!

But now they’re engaged, and to paraphrase the immortal words of Taylor Swift, it might be forever. 

So, now, I’m just losing it.

Chopra has been one of the most famous women in India since the early 2000s, when she jumpstarted her film career after winning Miss World, and Jonas’ teen heartthrob years aren’t far behind him. It’s natural for their fans to feel a sense of protectiveness bordering on ownership.

It’s an unlikely couple and a quick courtship, but I’m not here to harp on that (in this house, we stan Peteiana).

Plz enter like this at the wedding PC

Plz enter like this at the wedding PC

Though there are gaps in age (most wouldn’t bat an eyelid at if the man were older, so don’t even give me that shit) and culture, Jonas is actually one of surprisingly few people who may understand the realities of Chopra’s life. He’s been famous since a young age and a global superstar; he’s traveled the world to tour and perform, and he knows what it’s like to barely be able to go out in public because you’re just too damn famous.

So while friends Jonas fans tweet their sad tweets and my Indian friends fume about how Jonas doesn’t understand the culture, I imagine the two of them ring-shopping in that sequestered Tiffany’s and just being grateful for a moment of peace, alone together.

This but with Nick!

This but with Nick!

In between rational thoughts like these, I wonder: Who will dance at the Jo-pra wedding? I imagine a healthy and recovered Demi Lovato jamming out too Hindi music with Ranveer Singh and Deepika Padukone. Selena Gomez gets on stage and lives out her Bollywood dreams. In most scenarios, I am also present, wiping a single, constant tear from my eyes while masquerading as a waiter.

What can they even do? These are people who have lived with legions of fans for more than a decade. Nick has been proposed to roughly millions of times and worshipped by adoring fans; Priyanka has had FAKE WEDDINGS where production rented out an ENTIRE CITY:

On the surface the engagement may seem impulsive, the latest in a string of celebrity engagements from young twenty-somethings whose relationships aren’t old enough to grow teeth. But based on Chopra’s recent career trajectory and the fact that she isn’t a naive twenty-something, I like to believe she’s smarter than that.

In fact, as any South Asian person can attest, this is textbook arranged marriage. Jonas and Chopra have known each other for a while now; they kept in touch after that 2017 Met Gala and obviously got along well enough to hang out IRL and date officially. Once they met each other’s parents, it’s basically pakka, done deal!

In 2013, I was working on a movie when I ran into Nick Jonas (and his brothers) at our actors’ hotel. I’m not saying there’s a connection, but it was a Bollywood movie, and the Jonas encounter was within maybe a week of the release of “Exotic,” featuring Pitbull. In hindsight, this song gave us all the clues, Mister Police, in the form of lyrics like “Pardesi babu ne is Desi girl ko maan liya hai” (which translates to “a man from another country won over this Indian girl”).

Anyway, I’m off to spiral some more while watching PC videos on repeat and a selection of Jonas’ scenes from Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. This is my life now, and I wish them all the best!

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